cold turkey

You have to be always drunk. That’s all there is to it—it’s the only way. So as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks your back and bends you to the earth, you have to be continually drunk.
But on what? Wine, poetry or virtue, as you wish. But be drunk.
– Charles Baudelaire Be Drunk

I don’t drink. There’s too much forgetting offered in clear or amber or maroon liquid for me to trust myself around alcohol. But sometimes I wish I did. Especially on nights like tonight, when my thoughts turn into vicious hornets that don’t stop stinging, and I somehow feel you crawling all over my skin. Is this what it’s like to stop an addiction cold turkey, this incessant discomfort, this antsy feeling that won’t let me be because somehow I have a feeling that something is wrong? This desire to do something profoundly stupid, where does it come from? I don’t know. The only thing that’s certain right now is that I’m craving you and somewhere inside me, a voice of sanity is telling me that I’m not who I used to be because of you, and that’s not okay. Sometimes though, I just need the forgetting.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m in a far better space than I’ve been in the past few months. But every now and then, I feel an urge to write you out of me once more. And so I find myself in front of my computer again, typing you out, every single tap of the keys being an exorcism of sorts, a Morse code disappearing into the past. But it’s just one of those nights when it seems that everyone’s trying a bit of forgetting – for tonight, even Dave Matthews sings with Baudelaire.

Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight
It’s 2 am – I’m drunk again, it’s heavy on my mind

I could never love again so much as I love you
Where you end, where I begin, is like a river going through
Take my eyes,take my heart ’cause I need them no more
If never again they fall upon the one I so adore

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong ’cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll move on

One drink to remember, then another to forget
How could I ever dream to find sweet love like you again
One drink to remember, and another to forget

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong ’cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart, my Grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll move on
One more drink and I’ll be gone

– Dave Matthews’ Band Grace is gone

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~ by translating for peas on February 4, 2010.

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