even if there’s no-one else listening, there’s always you

i remember telling him something, a hard truth, that hurt him even as much (or more) as i had been hurt. as we closed off our conversation that night, i sent him a message of apology. i’m always apologising it seems – for sharing too much. for sharing too little. for holding on. for letting go.

he didn’t say anything back, but the next day in my inbox, i found a link to John Mayer’s Say:

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say (8x)

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say (8x)

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

it was at that moment that i truly understood that for a writer, for a story-teller, for anyone who had anything to say, the truest present was someone who said: “Talk. Tell me of the battlescars etched on your heart, and the reasons for the lines under your eyes. I am listening. Not because I have to, but because I want to.”

For someone walking like a one-man army for so long, growing weary and tired of camping on the battlefield by herself, John Mayer’s words came like news of backup battalions that had finally broken through the enemy lines. It broke my heart, his generosity. It calmed my restlessness, his gentleness. And it healed my hurt, his grace.

after that, i never apologised again for sharing of myself again.

and now that he’s no longer in my life, perhaps it would be easier to make that a reason not to write. Who will tell me to talk now when my insecurities still my voice, and my hurts shadow my brow? Who will listen now when it takes a particular understanding to hear the words in my silence?

not him.

no, not him.

But today i’ve decided to carry on writing. not for him (present or future) but for myself. Till my words find my own ears and heart willing enough to say to me: “Talk. I am listening.”

~ by translating for peas on March 2, 2011.

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